Clarity is kindness, including when it comes to your child’s sleep routine. How can we expect our children to follow bedtime rules if those rules aren’t consistently clear? Children can’t follow boundaries that feel unpredictable. I imagine we all tell them, remind them, and have tried all the charts, etc. However, if even 10% of the time we allow a shift in what’s allowed (like when bedtime is, who is putting them to bed, where they’re sleeping, etc.) then it’s only fair for them to test whether tonight is one of those nights.

If they have learned to hold out (staying awake, tantrums, requests, etc.) to finally be allowed to break the boundary or rules, they will likely continue to do just that.

After all… what you allow, you encourage.

What does this mean? It may seem easier said than done, but you must follow through 100% of the time.

You’re tired. Here is what to do:

Timing matters: Choose a night where you can begin confidently and consistently for 10+ days (or as many nights in a row as possible). This shows your child the clear expectation, without any chance of variance. If you know you have a big meeting the next morning or have to travel in a few days, it’s best to hold off until you can be fully ready to follow through each and every night.

Ritual/routine: Doing the same things, in the same order, and within the same spaces shows our children what to expect. A consistent routine literally cues our bodies that sleep is approaching. This means you would begin in the same room each night, and continue your routine in the exact same order, ending in their ideal sleep space. This matters more than having the same parent do bedtime every night. In fact, I recommend changing up which parent (if possible) does the routine so we create some resilience and give a parent a break on occasion.

Sleep space: What is your ideal sleep space for your child? Whether it’s room sharing, having their own room, etc., do not sway from where they’re allowed to sleep. Remember: if they hold out and end up sleeping somewhere else, you’re encouraging them to test this boundary again. Stay strong.

Your job: to help prepare them for bed and to be a calm, present parent (the co-regulator).

Not your job: to put them into a state of sleep. If your job is to put them into a state of sleep, then it’s only fair for them to expect you to replicate that throughout the night upon all wakings. Since the goal is long stretches of restorative sleep, helping children learn to fall asleep with less hands-on support can make night wakings easier to manage. After all, we all cycle through sleep and experience wakings (on some level) throughout the night.

What happens if they are upset, crying, or angry? We should expect nothing less. After all, their big feelings about a change in routine and their desired outcome are valid. It’s fair for them to be upset,  even very upset. Stay present, calm, and reassuring. Remember: our job isn’t to give in to their request, but to help them regulate their emotions. If you become escalated, take a break outside of the room to collect yourself.

Expect longer bedtimes, frustration, and intense emotions at first. This phase is temporary, and as you hold firm on your boundaries, this resistance will pass.

Best practices for better bedtimes

Set the tone: Prioritize bedtime. Have a clear beginning and a clear end (when you say goodnight).

Allow them some control; it goes a long way: Your child likely has a strong preference for how things go. Embrace their need to be in control by allowing them to make decisions leading up to bedtime. The end goal: tucked into bed after a reasonably timed bedtime routine (connection, predictability, etc.). The journey: a few choice points within the same time frame and location every single night.

For example, allow them to control how they get into the bath (hopping down the hall or having a parent carry them… either way they end up in the bath), which pajamas to wear, and what book to read. Allowing this control while maintaining control of who puts them to bed, where they sleep, etc. is the best of both worlds.

Open conversation: Less is more. You don’t need to have a lengthy conversation to explain the rules around bedtime. It’s crucial that your little one understands what you’re saying and showing them. Otherwise, how can we expect them to know what to do or not do? Use clear, simple language to ensure the message lands. Consider visuals to really drive the point home.

Two ways bedtime can go.

Option 1: The usual: A bedtime routine that drags on, leaving you angry, upset, or emotionally drained and stuck in the same patterns. No evening wind-down time, and guilt after they finally fall asleep. Rinse and repeat.

Option 2: Take control: Invest 30–45 minutes every night meeting all of their needs: connection time, closeness, reading, and a predictable, full night of sleep.

We have a sleep problem. In moments of exhaustion, many parents choose what feels easiest in the moment – and that’s completely understandable. When we’re exhausted, it’s natural to prioritize short-term survival over long-term consistency. This winding path doesn’t always end with a positive, predictable bedtime… nor does it end with a healthy relationship with sleep.

Outcome for option 1: No end in sight. Months or years of sleep difficulties.

Outcome for option 2: Better bedtimes, every night. Full nights of sleep.

We can’t control how long it takes your child to fall asleep, or how long they sleep for. We can control bed timing, sleep environment, and how we respond to resistance.

What about shared custody?

Hard truth: Shared custody can make sleep consistency feel especially challenging. While you can’t control what happens at the other home, you can create clear and predictable sleep expectations in your own home. What you allow, you encourage. Your child’s job is to test the limits (learning about cause and effect). Your job is to set the boundaries and follow through confidently and consistently.

The next few nights are going by anyway – let’s make the most of them.